By Tilisa Mlondani

If I had Bill Gates money

I’d buy myself a planet and name it bills

cuz the gates will be closed

and bills will be the only thing left

after I spend all the money on my new planet.

If Jay Z was my husband

I would permit him to cheat

Because I am a supportive wife

And like the good woman I am,

I will still love him

even after killing him.

If I was President Trump

I’d probably want to kill myself

my wife hates me,

citizens hate me,

and I can’t make America great again.

If I were a white woman

I could buy a planet without being suspected of robbery

Kill Jay Z and play the victim.

and help build the wall because I feel threatened

If I were R-Kelly

I’d be rich

And have more experience than

Elizabeth Taylor has ever had

with her eight husbands

If I was Medea

I would cut Jason’s limbs

one by one

make him beg me to stop

Because that’s what dogs do

if I was Barack Obama

I’d cheat on Michelle

I want to hear what

her next motivational speech

will be about

If I were America, I’d want to

be put back on the ship

I have different colors

and different personality

various tribes and traditions

and none seem to get along.

If I were Promo

There would be no promotions

I’d be unemployed

Because I have no profession

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