You see I wanted to break it down
But then I remembered I’m in pieces
I tried to figure it out
But I’m still lost.
I climbed up to mountain tops.
I dived deep into the oceans.
I walked down the Nile
Looked through the pyramids.
I thought it was hidden back in time.
It has to exist
It has to be real.
I stare down at my broken pieces from the mountain top,
They shine brighter than diamonds.
From here I have figured it out,
Love is what I think of me.
“I promise I will never do it again.”
You see, ‘tis something about the way you say it. The tone of your voice and the sincerity in your eyes. I fall for it all the time.
I think about what we could be without lies and abuse. No cheating and neglecting. I think I can change you. No! Matter of fact, I believed I could change you.
In my eyes, you are this little boy who was molested and abused, and now he can’t act right. It’s not you acting heartless it’s what you went through and it’s a way of protecting your self. We are both broken and I thought we could be together.
From the beginning, I dreamed of turning you into a nice guy. I wanted to be that girl that made you choose right over wrong,
so I stayed with you because I believed you would change.
I was waiting for you to love, I stopped loving myself.
Sometimes I question reality.
Sometimes I wish you were not my father.
You see , the way your brother looks at me, yet you say nothing.
You know your friend went to prison for sexual assault, and yet you leave me with him. And why your girlfriend look my age? Every time she walk you know she’s one of them. She is so selfish all she cares about is her next high. When you told me you fell in love I didn’t know it was a crackhead.
And, mother, will you stop bringing all these men around me? You’re in love with them I’m not. He flirts with everyone except you. You have a masters and he has a high school diploma.
“You are the only one?” Yea, the only one that can be with a manipulative broke too many baby mamas, always between jobs, bastard with little brain cells. He is not in love with who you are. He is in love with what you are.
If you met me outside of here, what would you tell me love is? See, my experience is different, so my love is different. I am broken in pieces. No, I don’t want to fit them back together. I want to be scattered under the mountain tops. I want to shine in different places.
Those small tiny diamonds I see looking down. Those are a part of me, and that, to me, is love.
–by Tilisa Mlondani