A Broken Love Song

Dear God
I’m ignorant
Very ignorant. I choose not to know.
I fear the power that comes with knowledge.
I could not be worthy of your love.
Not when all I do is hurt you.
maybe it’s because you don’t have feelings.
you’re too big so it’s okay for me to get high.
To be honest sometimes… no, a lot of times I do things without considering how it would make you feel.
You see my love is not great like yours, I don’t treat you like the only one.
I know how, I just don’t want to.
This is not love.
that is why I don’t understand your love for me.
you don’t love me like I love you.
You don’t treat me like a choice. You don’t leave me hanging.
You could have just watched me suffer for my decisions but you didn’t. You’re there when I need you, you give when I ask. You protect me in the midst of all.
This is why I can’t understand your love. Because it’s not like mine.
Your love is free, unconditional.
My love comes with a price, always asking, always taking.
I don’t give.
Your throne is dusty and old in my heart I don’t take care of it.
And yet you are here for me.
When I know I don’t deserve it you still love me.
I don’t have the courage to apologize.
I know tomorrow I will sin again.

I don’t know what to do. Should I love you? Because you loved me first?
Why can’t I just love you, not because you love me first but because I just fell in love with who you are?
Why can’t you be my first love?
I want it to be love at first sight, it doesn’t have to be both ways.
I want to pursue you.
Ask you for your email, I’d have your inbox full.
When you see my determination and finally give me your number I want to call you every night.
I want us to go on dates, just us two.
I want to know your favorite creation.
Before you love me, I want to love you.
For who you are, for what you stand for, I want to love you first.
But why is it so hard? Why must you do something for me to love you and praise you?
Why can’t I love you because I just want to? Why is it so hard?

When I sit down and think, we are very different.
That’s why I can’t comprehend you, because I don’t love like you love me. Sincerely, Me.

-by Tilisa Mlondani

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