A Broken Love Song

Dear God
I’m ignorant
Very ignorant. I choose not to know a lot of times because I fear the power that comes with knowledge.
In this lifetime I could not be worthy of your love.
Not when all I do is hurt you.
You see sometimes I think maybe it’s because you don’t have feelings. You’re too big so it’s okay for me to get high.
To be honest sometimes… no, a lot of times I do things without considering how it would make you feel.
You see my love is not great like yours, I don’t treat you like the only one.
It’s not because I don’t know how, I know for a fact sometimes I just don’t want to.
This is not love.
that is why I don’t understand your love for me.
Because you don’t love me like I love you. You don’t treat me like a choice. You don’t leave me hanging. You could have just watched me suffer for my decisions but you didn’t. You’re there when I need you, you give when I ask. You protect me in the midst of all.
This is why I can’t understand your love. Because it’s not like mine.
Your love is free, unconditional.
My love comes with a price, I’m always asking, always taking.
I don’t give you even though I should.
Your throne is dusty and plain in my heart I don’t take care of it.
And yet you are here for me.
When I know I don’t deserve it you still love me.
I don’t have the courage to apologize.
I know tomorrow I will sin again.

I don’t know what to do. Should I love you? Because you loved me first?
Why can’t I just love you, not because you love me first but because I just fell in love with who you are?
I… want to love you because you help those in need, because you protect and provide.
I want to fall for you before you do anything for me. But why is it so hard? Why must you do something for me to love you and praise you?
Why can’t I love you because I just want to? Why is it so hard?

When I sit down and think, we are very different.
That’s why I can’t comprehend you, because I don’t love like you love.

Sincerely, Me.

-by Tilisa Mlondani

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